December 30, 2013

My NT Was Annoying

First, I'll start by saying the baby was adorable. It was pretty much sleeping the entire time. Then when it awoke, it gave a very big stretch and was rolling all over, making he tech's job rather difficult. She was kind of a bitch anyway. . . feel free to read on!

The NT was at my MFM office. I was there about 4 times when I was pregnant with Miss B and I really liked the doctors and nurses. I'm for sure one of those patients who is analyzing everything during my appointment. I'm watching the nurses faces when do they anything. During ultrasounds, I memorize the numbers on the screen so I can go home and look up what they mean.

During this ultrasound, the tech had a hard time measuring the neck fold of the baby. That's the point of the NT. She me change positions and everything, but this little one was not cooperating. As she's measuring she's really not saying much. She'd say, "here's a hand" or "there's a foot" but nothing else much. I noticed that the ultrasound measurements put the baby at 12w6d when I was only 12w1d, but this keeps happening anyway. So after about 20 minutes she stops and goes, "Ok, I'll send the nurse in for blood." I asked her if I was allowed to know anything from my ultrasound (you know, because she didn't say shit). Her response, "Well, everything looks normal but that doesn't mean anything until the bloodwork comes back."

Um, excuse me? Since when does "normal" not account for anything? All I want is to go to these appointments and for them to tell me things look normal. WTF. And, she really wasn't even friendly about it. She didn't even tell me what the neck fold measured or what's normal. I was pissed.

Anyway, I watched her write up my paperwork and found her take the average for the neck fold at 2.1mm. The baby measured 67mm. I Googled because they gave me know information, and from what I can find, under 3.0 is normal, especially for a baby measuring 12w6d.

I wish I would have had a better experience. But either way, here is the cutie:



December 26, 2013

12 weeks and NT Tomorrow

Ok the time is finally starting to pick up and move now. Let's get some updates:

First, all morning sickness is gone and doesn't show it's face ever. Now I can wake up and not eat for a few hours and still feel ok.  This is good. I pretty much go all of my energy back but today, not so much. I didn't want to move from my couch. I did, but didn't want to. I'm waiting for Miss B to ask me why I'm so lazy. Food wise, I still can only eat what sounds good or I won't eat at all. Don't worry, I'm not starving myself, I'm just eating a ton of carbs!

We have finally told our families as of Christmas morning. I cannot tell people in person, it makes me very anxious. Luckily Mr. LTM is understanding and was good with me sending a picture text to our families. It was the 10 week ultrasound in a box with a gift tag that stated our due date. The caption on the text said, "Santa came! Look what we got!" Now I can stop wearing big sweaters around family.

When I was pregnant with Miss B, I worried A LOT. Like too much. I always told myself that I worried that pregnancy away. When I was about 13 weeks I bought a home fetal doppler so I could hear her heartbeat and know that everything was ok. For weeks I actually heard my own heartbeat and thought it was hers, but hey, it made me feel better. Well, I busted that thing out this week. The first day I couldn't find the baby's but found mine. Day two I found the baby's heartbeat in less than three minutes. There is no mistaking that fast beat. The next day I found it again right away. That brings us to me trying today and I couldn't find it! I was so lucky the past two days! It's very, very tricky to find, so I expect to actually not find it when I try.

Tomorrow is my NT scan. I'm excited to see the LO on the ultrasound. Mr. LTM is not coming again. He is so busy at work. It would take him 35 minutes to get there and then another 35 to get back. Plus add in the appointment time. Plus, we all know that offices run late rather often, that would take even longer. It's funny, the first time around I would have said, "Get your ass to this appointment or you will never see your baby." Now I'm all, "Ok have a good day and see you after!" LOL

One final update. . . we still have not decided if we want to know the sex of the baby or not. We are totally on the fence. We loved the experience we had the first time around. We are wondering if we should find out so we can experience it both ways. I think neither of us really want to but we are convincing ourselves that we may need to. Mr. LTM had one reason he wants to find out, he hates hearing peoples dumb responses to why they HAD to find out. I agree with that one! My fav is, "We had to find out, I'm such a planner!" Wow- those people don't know me! My real reason for not wanting to find out is I can't trust myself with buying to much if I knew the sex. I shop way too much. I won't even get started on the fact that I bought myself a City Versa about two weeks ago already. I'm so excited though!

December 22, 2013

Updates and Some Bump Pics :)

Tis the season to be merry! I've let my blog slide since there hasn't been too much news.

Let's see. All is good on my end. I still have the IF Devil haunting me a bit for no apparent reason. We haven't really told people about our pregnancy yet, so I think that is part of the problem. Because others don't know, I get worried right before I tell them. I'm literally ridiculous. I will have my 5th ultrasound this week at my NT scan, which is scheduled for Friday.

MR. LTM and I have not chatted about if we will be Team Green again or not. My doctor told me I better figure it out by this Friday! There is just so much going on! Part of me wants to find out so we know what it's like to know most of the pregnancy. The other part of me wants to be Team Green again because the surprise at birth was just so much fun. Either way, we need to make a decision!

My morning sickness is totally gone! YAY! I didn't have it too rough, that's for sure. I mean, I didn't throw-up once, so to me that means life is good. I have a lot more of my energy back which is allowing me to get ready for the holidays! And by get ready I mean sitting on my couch and ordering from Amazon :) Actually, Miss B and I cleaned her toy room today and got rid of some toys. The two of us will be wrapping some gifts today.

As for Miss B. She cracks us up. She's still in her crib, but has been asking to nap in a sleeping bag in her room. Hahahaha! Also, we haven't told her about the new addition yet. We are waiting a few more months so the wait is not so long for her.

Though this little one is very tiny, I'm very sure I felt a tiny, tiny flutter today. There is no-mistaking that feeling!

As promised, here are some bump pics which is really bloat I'm sure.
8 WEEKS


9 WEEKS
10 WEEKS

11 WEEKS

December 12, 2013

First OB Appointment and Some Infertility Shit

Oy! My first OB appointment was great! I'm seeing the same OB that I used with Miss B. I love this guy. If you remember I've mentioned that he treats infertility patients with extra-special care and doesn't throw you into the masses. Also, IVF patients are treated as high-risk, so 3-4 visits to the MFM is very normal. I'm already off to the MFM in three weeks!

I was a nervous wreck (yet again). When the nurse rolled in the ultrasound machine I was in a panic. My IF Devil came back and was haunting me. Luckily, the ultrasound showed the cutest little gummy baby, measuring a week ahead (WTF!). The RE ended up changing my due date to July 9 instead of the July 10 date from the transfer. I'm not sure what to think. The OB today said the 9th was what he was sticking to. I already have the 10th in my mind though. I know, I know, what difference does a day make? It's just that little ticker would change a little faster lol. So, glowing reviews from the OB. I go back to see him in 3 weeks and the MFM in 3 weeks as well. Saturday morning I'll be getting a few blood tests drawn. After today's visit, everything feels "official."

+++This part may get boring. . .continue only if you are nursing a child or are very bored! Just more infertility mind games.

Now, infertility shit. Well, we just finished open-enrollment for insurance. If you remember long ago, MR. LTM and I were very lucky to fall into infertility insurance. It was literally unreal how it happened. Mr. LTM was hired full-time at a company in the summer of 2009. He had been a contractor at the company and they decided to keep him. Well in March of 2010 that company was bought-out by a very large telecom company. At this point, Mr. LTM and I had been trying for over two years to get pregnant. I was literally at rock-bottom. Mr. LTM was using a "I don't want kids" mechanism to protect himself and things were shitty. Well, that new company had great infertility benefits and we were quickly referred by my OB to an amazing RE. I was pregnant by The end of July.

Open-enrollment just came again. Because we no longer need infertility coverage, I dropped myself off of Mr. LTM's insurance because mine is decent. The deadline came and that was my final decision. . . no more infertility coverage. Well, days after I received a letter saying that the company was changing it's infertility coverage. New patients would only get $10,000 in coverage. Those who were on the old program would be "grandfathered" in. Meaning those people (me included) would receive three life-time cycles of treatments. I nearly fainted when the letter came. I dropped myself off the insurance and now if I ever needed it again, I'm already over the $10,000. I know I don't need that insurance, but the IF Devil kept telling me that something bad was going to happen and then I could never get another cycle covered. STRESS. Enter today. . . a letter comes from Mr. LTM's company saying, "You may change your medical plan until December 20." Hooooooooly crap! Yahoo. Though it's the IF Devil haunting me, I was able to change my coverage. Now I feel better. And double-insurance will be great for the delivery. I remember that from my first experience!

Thanks for holding out and reading. Here is your treat. . . My 10w ultrasound:


December 10, 2013

Two More Days

Waiting for my OB appointment is so annoying. It's not even been two weeks since my last RE appointment, but I'm chomping at the bit to get in there. That IF mind is tormenting me.

Speaking of RE, tomorrow is my last day taking Estrace! OMG! It's weird as I've been on it for almost two months. Although I'm happy to drop any hormone and get back to my normal body and self. It is scary to drop meds though. I mean, you feel like you've needed it for so long.

Now, the ass shots are still going. The good news is that I mostly do my own ass shots now! Whoo hoo! I can do them both on the right and the left hand side. Believe it or not, it hurts less when I do it. I think it's because I'm so focused on what I'm doing, I don't have time to feel pain.

When oh when does this bloat go away? OMG! I look 16 weeks pregnant. Please bloat for the love of all that is good, get out of here! I'm too big for my clothes and too small for maternity clothes. Oh yes, I tried! LOL

December 5, 2013

Ok- I'm Calm

Sorry for scaring you in yesterday's post! I was ready to throat-punch anyone who messed with me. Today I had a decaf latte from Starbucks and I feel much better. Yes, I don't drink caffeine while pregnant, but I'm waiting until 13 weeks to have my sushi.

Let's talking about almost puking. Well last week my nausea went away at like 7w6d. It was gone. I was a little scared but thinking, "Wow, I got lucky!" Days and days went by with no nausea. Then three days ago it came back out of no where. I was literally teaching a lesson this afternoon and was dry heaving with my back to the class. It's actually hysterical if you think about it. My mint consumption is through the roof. I'm getting side-eyed by a few 8 year-olds. The rest won't even realize a difference when my stomach is hitting their chairs as I walk by.

I'm still carrying a major bloat bump. It's unreal. I'm assuming the damn injections can do that. I look like 13 weeks pregnant. I'm so glad that I have two more week of work before holiday break. I'll be sporting maternity clothes when I return. My skinny jeans won't button. . . at all.

Ticker change Thursday. . . 9 weeks today!

December 4, 2013

Everyone is Annoying Me Today

Holy Crap. The patience are running low around here. Does this have to do with pregnancy, or am I just a bigger bitch than I thought? Don't answer that! I'm scared to know the truth. As I've mentioned, this pregnancy is much different than the last, so I know I wasn't too bitchy in the last one, maybe that's a fun symptom of this one? Examples-

Mr. LTM- Total throat-punch. I've been working hard on getting ideas for our holiday card, picking out a template, and finding B's outfit. Today he says he doesn't like it. Well, fuck, all that time and back to square one! I'm thinking of ditching the holiday card just to prove a point. Point being: You don't do work for the card, the card doesn't go out.

Friend at Work: She never gets to me, but today I found the cool resource and shared it with her. Her response, "I showed you last year." Oh sorry, I don't even know what I wore to work today let alone a conversation we had last year.

My Sister- I clearly tell her at 7:30pm when she calls that I'm doing school work and haven't eaten dinner. She proceeds to brainstorm holiday gift ideas. OMG- I'm busy!!!!!!


Wow, venting all of that and I don't even feel better! I feel like I want to hurt everyone.

I need a bagel.

November 30, 2013

LIfe is Good! Graduation

As of Wednesday, I'm a graduate! I've officially been released from my RE and with all fabulous news! As of my appointment, I was 7w6d. Here are the deets:

HCG- 284,596
Progesterone- 92.6
Estrogen- 1141

The baby measured 8w0d. The little heart was beat, beat, beating away at 157 bpm and the final news. . . My SCH is gone! Whoo hoo!

I'm scheduled to see my OB on December 12. I'm going back to the same OB I had with my first pregnancy. I loveee him. What a great practice. They gave me all kinds of extra attention and scans from having an IVF pregnancy. I'm thrilled to go back to his office.

As for the shots and drugs. . . I'm to stay on My two Estrace (twice a day) until December 11, then I will decrease to one pill twice a day until January 5. I will stay on two shots of progesterone a day until December 25, then I will take one a day until January 8. I will also stay on the baby aspirin until January 8.

Here is that cutie on the day before Thanksgiving:



November 25, 2013

My Day

5:30am- Wake up and go pee. No blood! Yay. Start brushing teeth. . . Um, I need to barf.

5:35- Dry heaving and nothing comes up because duh, I haven't eaten since 8:00pm last night.

5:45- Eat a peppermint and life is good. Cereal to come later.

8:05- I'm now at work. Ugh, there's that feeling again. I gag all the way to my closet and eat more peppermints.

9:33- Right in the middle of large group reading instruction. "Um, Caleb, can you please pass your teacher one of those mints? Thanks hon. Just trust me on this one."

10:05- On my way to the copy room while eating Saltines. I get an evil eye from the secretary. One that says, "I know what you've got going on."

10:07- Said secretary chases me down. "OMG! I had the craziest dream about you last night! You had a brand new baby BOY! You named him Chase and Miss B was sooooo happy!"

Me: OMG! That's crazy! You need a day off from work if you are dreaming about me!

4:07pm- That was a great afternoon! No gagging!

4:08- Oh crap, there it is again. Where is that fucking trail mix?

4:20- Driving home with Brooklyn and I kid you not. . "Um mom? Are you eating again?" She is so on to me.

Night is going great!

6:02- Gagging and Mr. Later Than Most is looking at me with disgust (not really, but makes a good story).

7:10- My Amazon box came! I'm now wearing Sea Bands and eating Preggie Drops. This night just got better!

Another fun day! LOL

*When reading, please know that I am in no way complaining about pregnancy whatsoever. I'm very happy and lucky to have any symptom I can get. My blog is to entertain though :)

November 24, 2013

Nongraduate

I haven't exactly graduated from the RE yet. Thursday was to be my last day, but Thursday night I had some spotting, so I'm staying another week. I have a feeling the spotting is from the damn ultrasound or the fricken SCH that I have. I'll be heading back to the RE this Wednesday to check on that SCH and see how things are going. The IVF nurse did tell me on Thursday to call my OB and get schedule for an appointment in the next two weeks.

Thursday's bloodwork is back:

HCG level 192,698 (37dpo)
Progesterone 74
Estrogen 903


So back to the gagging. It's still happening. I've dry-heaved a couple of times, which is totally grossing Mr. Later Than Most out. I took matters into my hands and bought some mints yesterday and ordered those damn Preggie Drops I used to make fun of. I cannot go all day gagging all the time. New this pregnancy is the food aversions. I did not have this with B. We ordered a pizza the other night and I couldn't be in the same room as it after I ate one tiny corner. I ended up eating Ramen Noodles. Order my fav chicken salad from Peapod, nope, can't eat that. $6 down the drain. Today I've eaten Chinese food twice (from the same order). I hate food aversions!!!! I normally eat rather healthy and I'm currently living on carbs. This cannot go on forever, right? :)

November 21, 2013

Ultrasound #2

Ultrasound #2 was today! Everything was looking good. The baby was measuring 7w2d and had a heartbeat of 155 bpm. It's a relief to know that everything is going well and this little one is doing great. Which reminds me, it probably needs a nickname.

Pregnancy number two is obviously different than one. For one thing, we are all more relaxed. Mr. LTM has not gone to one ultrasound with me. We don't want him to miss work. We figure there will be more opportunities ahead. We haven't talked about finding out the gender or anything. I guess it seems like it's just early, but conversations to be had none-the-less.

This time round I'm not feeling as hot as I did with B. The constant nausea sucks, but I'll deal with it. Also, I'm pretty sure that I'm only taking in food and not letting any out. You gotta love pregnancy. Right now I have a baby bloat going. Thank goodness for large winter sweaters!

Ok so all good news, I'm off to get shot in the ass.

7w0d

November 18, 2013

Ultrasound Complete!

I've been so busy with school and conferences, that it's truly taken me days to update. One update you may be wanting to know is if that morning sickness I've had is fake or not (see previous post). I'm sorry to say that it is in fact real. BARF!!! I never ever had morning sickness with Brooklyn, so this is new to me. I have not thrown up once, but I gag and feel sick all day long. I've tried eating here and there, but nothing even sounds good. Gagging is so gross. I'm really trying not to complain!

On Thursday I went for bloodwork and an ultrasound. That would be equal to 30dpo, or 24dp6dt. My HCG level was 78,399. Another huge beta. My ultrasound on Thursday though did show one, healthy baby with a heartbeat of 115bpm!

I'm going to be honest here, I was totally expecting twins! Heather was the only person to think it was one baby. I got used to the idea and was even picking out my new City Select. Ok, I wasn't really doing that, but I really was used to the idea. I'm not going to lie, I'm not ruling it out until my ultrasound this Thursday. I just feel like crap all the time, so I'm thinking there is another babe hiding somewhere.

Here is my ultrasound from 6w0d:


My next ultrasound is Thursday the 21st. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything looks well. If so, I should be released to a regular OB.

As I mentioned, I have myself convinced that I have kicked my Infertility Devil's ass. Because of this, I have put a ticker at the top of my page. :)

November 13, 2013

I Kicked Her ASS!!!!!

I finally won! I have beaten my Infertility Devil. I have kicked her ass big-time. She has haunted me for years and years. She took away my pregnancy happiness with Brooklyn. She forever haunts me with negative thoughts and makes me pessimistic, but last night, I finally won.

It was almost like an epiphany. It's a little embarrassing actually. Last night Mr. Later Than Most and I were having a conversation turned argument. Nothing big at all, just the normal bickerings of two people who have worked a stressful day and now have something to deal with at home. During our "discussion" we raised our voices a bit. Not common for us, but it happened. A little while later B started crying about something and mentioned us raising our voices and was it because of her. Holy shit. Talking about taking your breath away. I felt about as shitty as you can feel as a parent. We were discussing something not important at all and somehow, she related it to her and was worried that it was because of her. I've never felt worse in my life. 

So last night I sat thinking how amazing she is. How amazingly smart, kind, and energetic she is. We are so extremely blessed to have her. I remember those awful days where I had to wonder if my wish of being a mommy would ever come true. And there she was. At that moment I decided that I can not control everything. I can't sit around worrying if my ultrasound is too early. I will not obsess about the numbers they give me tomorrow from my HCG. I will not waste my time Googling any info they give me at the RE's office to see if it is good news or bad news. I will not do those things because I am happy and the infertility devil will no longer take away my positive thoughts.

I'm happy to say that after 5 years of knowing that bitch, she's out of here. 

Heather will be so proud.

November 11, 2013

Why Oh Why? Ultrasound Rant

So tomorrow was the day that the nurse suggested I have an ultrasound. What did I do? I told her I wanted to come in later because 5w5d is really on the cusp of seeing a heartbeat and that would make me worry. She was kind enough to let me do what I want, hence my appointment this Thursday at 6w0d.

WTF did I do that? Technically the heartbeat can start up until the middle of 6 weeks. If I would have went tomorrow, I would have known it was way too early to see one. Now I'm in a worse position and I'll be even more worried if I don't see one. Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?

This is the infertility devil at it's finest, people. One minute I'm reading posts on a July 2014 birth month board and the next minute I'm crazy analyzing something I cannot change. GAH!!!!!!!

Ok, one more detail to tell you how nuts I am. Luckily I don't know most of you in real life so you can judge me and not have to be friends with me. Here goes. . . I "think" I have morning sickness. Yes, I THINK. I know, I know. How in the world does a person "think" they have morning sickness? Isn't it obvious? Don't you just go and vom? Well, my infertility devil is so STRONG, that when I spent the morning gagging, I thought that it was all in my head and I wasn't really gagging. I was just really wanting to gag since morning sickness would be a good sign. So here I am at 10:00pm wondering if I had real morning sickness this morning or fake morning sickness.

I think we can all agree that there is certainly a sickness here, huh?

November 9, 2013

The LOOOOOOOOOONG Wait

I'm starting to kick myself that I put that first ultrasound off for a few days. This long wait is killing me. My infertility devil is sneaking in once in a while and trying to take-over my thoughts. My nondevil side keeps taking me to pregnancy forums and birth month clubs to see whats going on. It's like to have two personalities.

I have no pee sticks, so I have not peed on a stick since my second beta. Today I'm so exhausted and just not feeling like my normal self. That has to be a good sign. I'm a person who is normally up and about all day long. I never sit still. Weekends are spent cleaning and shopping. Today, I have not moved from the couch for more than an hour and took a two hour nap. I don't remember being like this with B.

Mr. Later Than Most has truly been a blessing. He is doing EVERYTHING around here. He is really picking up my slack and really not even batting an eye. This cannot last forever! I'm lucky that he "gets it." I just don't feel like doing a thing! Why is this ultrasound so far away?

November 6, 2013

Leading Details

I have been so busy, that I've neglected my blog with BFP details. I've also neglected laundry and two sinks full of dishes too. :)

I waited most of Monday for my second beta call. I'm so nervous and cautious, but I'm trying to stay positive.

I had the numbers all figured out. I knew that with a beta of around 500 on Thursday, I would hope for it to be around 1000 on Saturday and then 2000 on Monday. Though I didn't have blood drawn on Saturday, I needed that anchor day to help me figure out my numbers. So, 2000 it was.

When the nurse called she didn't tell me the number right away and I began to get nervous. When she finally cut to the chase, she told me it was 4,577. I thought, "GREAT! The 2,000 doubled! I'm in great shape." I went on teaching the rest of the day. After school I noticed I had three text messages: one from Heather, one from Christina, and one from S. All of them said the same thing, "Where are you and did you get that beta number?" Yea, yea I got it. I sent them the number and they kept responding the same way. Things like, "Oh wow" and "Holy Shit" were mentioned. I kept wondering why I keep friends around that are such alarmists. Big deal, it doubled like it should!

On my drive home I'm doing some thinking. The cars are going past me as I day dream about my beta call. H.O.L.Y. S.H.I.T. I was hoping the nurse told me my number WAS 2000! For some reason that two thousand stuck in my head and when the 4,000+ beta came back, I thought it was spot on and the original 2,000 beta doubled. But 2,000 was the number I was hoping for and she told me it was over 4,000. WHAT?

So I got home and did what any girl would do. I jumped on the Beta Base website and found my doubling time. It's 30.5 hours. Here's the info for your viewing pleasure:

Here is the average doubling time for my beta in single pregnancies. My range is the last line:


Here is the doubling time for twins. My range is last line:

And scare me half to death, here is the triplet times. Mine is the last line:

Sooooo, what does all of this mean? Well it means I'm a creepy BetaBase stalker for one. I don't know what it means!

So a regular ultrasound is normally schedule at 5weeks5days for my RE office. At that ultrasound they rule out ectopic pregnancy. I told the nurse I wanted to come in a little later than that because it's not likely to see a heartbeat then. I schedule my appointment for 6weeks0days, Thursday, November 14. She did say that I should not expect to see anything then either.

Mr. Later Than Most is not coming to this appointment. The other day he said, "I wish we were normal. I wish you could come home one day and just say, 'I'm pregnant!'" I told him that I totally understood that and I thought about it, but it just seemed forced. So, he is not going to the ultrasound so I can hopefully surprise him with details! Don't worry, I didn't show him the beta info. Less information is more!



November 5, 2013

Beta #2

The second beta result is 4,577! That's a 30.5 hour doubling time. I can't find one person who doesn't think there are twins in there. My first ultrasound will be November 14. I'm nervous! Lol

November 2, 2013

Looking for Symptoms

When I was pregnant with B, I pretty much had so symptoms. My back was killing me from about week 6 to week 8. Then for two weeks the word "Panera" or the sight of my dog's bed both made me gag. I honestly wouldn't have really believed I was pregnant if it weren't for all of those ultrasounds.

I know it's early, but same thing this time round. I had those cramps last week and that is it. Life is running as normal and once in a while I think, "Holy crap! I forgot my FET worked." Things are so different the second time round.

I hate waiting all of these days for another beta. I only have one pee stick left so I'm trying not to waste it. I've already used two since Wednesday. Maybe I should run to the Dollar Store tomorrow and just stock up. I can't see those lines enough!

My blog had 148 views yesterday. 148! I think my same few friends must have read it about 25 times each. They were hoping I'd post some details. Until the symptoms kick in, I'm waiting around for my beta on Monday!

November 1, 2013

Wow That Beta...

Before we go back to the good stuff, I have to confess. I did POAS the night before my beta. I was so nervous that I could barely hold the stick in the pee. I probably had some symptoms, but I really tried to ignore them. Around Tuesday I was getting out of breath just getting ready in the morning. I had to stop and rest. I noticed my heart-rate was up. Also, the food bloat makes me look about 16 weeks pregnant every time I eat. I don't really EVER get bloated when I eat, so I thought that was weird. Lastly, those cramps last week were rather interesting. I was so worried I wouldn't get them!

So around 9pm on Wednesday night I decided to just test. I figured I would sleep better either way. I had trouble sleeping on Tuesday night because I was thinking about Thursday's blood test. So at 9pm I told Mr. LTM I was taking a shower. I had already hid my sticks and the cup. I went into the bathroom and let the water run. I tore the stick open fast and then hesitated. The positivity was stronger than the negativity, but the Infertility Devil was really screwing with me. After using the test, I put it on the counter and stared at it. The whole thing turned pink and the control line came up nice and dark, but not a hint of a test line. I began to panic and thought, "Holy shit. I can't believe it's negative." Staring at it for a few more seconds I could see a faint line starting to show. I was so relieved. Within five minutes the test line was nice and dark and I breathed a sign of relief.

I immediately texted a bunch of people! I'm so bad! Here's the short list:

Heather- Yes she was my texting buddy when I POAS with my first IVF.

Christina- Another TWW buddy. She really thought this was going to work and I appreciated the positive thoughts.

S- Sent her a text to ask if she was up first. Her response, "Did you test???" LOL

Amanda- Remember Amanda? We tried to hang ourselves with phone charger during a bachlorette party. We were done with infertility. Amanda is doing a frozen cycle right now with my doctor. She's about 3 weeks behind me in the process.

So see, this is not that large of a list. But then I may have proceeded to post my positive test on my private FaceBook group page to 85 of my closest internet friends. So if you add these up, about 90 people knew before I told Mr. LTM. Ooops!

I thought about telling him in a creative way, but I couldn't think of anything. I told him the next morning before my appointment. He normally stays cautious until the ultrasound.

As I posted yesterday, my beta is 504 at 16 days past ovulation, or 10 days past a six day transfer. That's a high number. They do say higher numbers don't indicate twins, but I'm nervous!

My next blood test is on Monday. Positive thoughts are always welcomed!

It's In

Blood beta result of 504!
My next draw is on Monday! 

More details later!

October 29, 2013

What about B? (8dp6dt)

Man, I've been posting so much about this transfer that I've pretty much ignored the fact that I have a 2 1/2 year old. Don't worry, I didn't forget her for real, just in the blog.

Brooklyn is hilarious. She is sarcastic, spunky and sweet all in one little person. When I left her at the nannysitter this morning she yells, "Mom! I'm really going to miss you today!" Now how sweet is that? It made me want to ditch work and take her for ice cream. B is also a smarty pants. She learns quickly. I tell Mr. LTM that he needs to stop teaching her stuff because one day she will have no friends. For example, she has a little friend who is at the nannysitter. He is one year older than her. On a raining morning Brooklyn and I were running into the nannysitter's house to escape the rain. When we enter she starts yelling for her friend. This is her conversation and no I'm not making it up (kinda wish I was):

Brooklyn: "Hi E! Guess, what? Do you know why it rains? It's moisture! Clouds get full of moisture and then the clouds get full. The moisture drops and then we get rain!"

Seriously. Doesn't Mr. LTM know I was a cheerleader in high school and this kind of talk is so not cool. Today she was identifying quarters, dimes, and nickles from a pile. Sigh. She'll be a nerd, but she's mine.

So back to this FET. I did not test but thought about it about 5 times. Then I went on Google (busted) and found advice on some fertility clinic sites. Those clinics all advise waiting until the day of the blood test. Two more days to go. I'm getting nervous. No one likes failure, but I need to put up that defensive negativity to protect myself should this go down the shitter.

"Merry Christmas, shitter was full!" LOL

October 28, 2013

Step Away From the Pee Sticks! (7dp6dt)

ZOMG! I want to test sooooo bad, but I just can't! Here is the deal, if this worked, I can for sure pee on a stick NOW. It should tell me the correct results. I actually have 4 good ones hiding in my room, but I JUST CAN'T DO IT. I truly believe they tell me to wait until Thursday for a reason. . . because they are trying to kill me slowly.

So today I'm 7dp6dt, which means I'm 13 days past "ovulation." That's fricking long! And until two days ago I totally forgot we transferred six day embryos and not five day, so I have another day under my wing.

I must hang in there!

October 27, 2013

Good Bye House, Hello Cramps

The damn house didn't work out. We are disappointed, but it does make life a little less stressful right now. The sellers had way too much emotional value into their home as opposed to a reality of what the home was actually worth. Though they counter-offered, we denied their offer. Time to move on. Mr. LTM is having  a hard time moving on from the beloved home: He's resorted to video games today to take away his pain :) I'm disappointed that it didn't work out, but I cannot let it consume me.

Oh the cramps. So on Friday I was at the chiropractor and I was getting a massage. During the massage I thought, "I know I got cramps during my IVF, this time I'm not feeling any." I shit you not, the cramps arrived 15 minutes later. Saturday night they came back. The cramps actually remind me of my BH contractions in my second trimester. They lasted about 15 minutes Saturday night and they are back again tonight. I've Googled it like crazy. I already know it's a positive sign, but it can go either way. I really need to stay off of Google.

So while I was Googling (he he), so many girls test much earlier than their blood tests! I'm so worried of testing too early. I mean, I literally had two embryos placed inside of me. That means I'm already pregnant. It's just the implanting that needs to happen. I'm too scared of a false positive, but I will test the morning of the blood test. I just have to know what I'm getting into before I go into that office.

I've really been taking it easy this week. I'm so unmotivated to do anything! LOL That is so not like me. I'm even unmotivated for my ass shots. . .oh wait, that's everyday. :)

This week I plan to be posting each day until my test. GAH, when is that again?

October 25, 2013

You are Wondering, Aren't You? (4dp5dt)

Hello dear reader! You are wondering where the hell I have been, haven't you? You are wondering how I feel and how this FET is going. All in due time my friend!

Let me tell you how hectic life is. About three days before transfer we fell in love with a home that we went to see. Our current home is smaller than our liking. We cannot sell it in this market without paying a shit-ton of money. Because we qualify for two mortgages (and we know we can afford it), we've been looking at larger homes. Enter the "Friday" home.

The Friday home was amazeballs. It's 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and located on a full acre of land. It's rural living in a non-rural area. We liked it a lot. Right after my transfer, we drove to the Friday house and took another look by stalking it. It's fab. All week we've been thinking about how to handle this amazing house. Today we put an offer in on it and right now we are in the negotiation process. It's stressful obviously as we will have to rent our current home, but we have to get out of this tiny house.

So, I have not had a lot of time to think about how this FET is going, which is a good. I can tell you that I have felt rather normal. Felt a little bloated the last few days but I have NOT been eating great. A little Chinese here and some Mexican there. Not cool. Today I'm super thirsty, but it's one day past Chinese; that's to be expected. I will say that today I am having some cramping. Though all of us infertiles know that cramping can go either way. So annoying!

As for ass shots. . . they are truly a breeze now! Can you believe that? Well, my left ass cheek is bruised and seriously looks like a dart board, but whatever. Mr. LTM is getting this down well and his craft is at its finest. Apparently a very quick darting of the needle is actually the best way to go. Does that sound like it really hurts? Nope! I don't feel a thing! So, for anyone starting PIO soon; have no fear, it does get easier!


October 21, 2013

FET: Transfer Day

I just realized that all of my posts don't need fancy or funny titles. It's made it really difficult to go back and look up posts from my IVF!

Today was the big day. It all started around 5am when Mr. LTM and I were running around the house trying to get ready. We had to drive Miss B to the sitter at 5:45am. Luckily she didn't ask any questions. I spent yesterday getting the house all ready. I put things away, made a dinner for tonight and did some laundry. The dryer went out on me but hey, I got B's laundry done! After getting ready, we did a quick PIO shot (man my ass hurts) and off we went to drop B off.

We arrived at the IVF Institute about 10 minutes early. We hung out in the car and checked emails and such. After checking in at the office, they called us back to our pre-transfer room around 7:00. Our transfer appointment was for 7:15, but at that time the nurse came in to tell us that the doctor hadn't arrived to the office yet. No surprise! Around 7:45 embryology came in and told us that our embies were thawing great. We had a 3BB and and 3B-B to think about transferring. At that point they asked our decision. Mr. LTM spoke up. He said, "You know, I went all this time thinking one and on the way over here I thought I was crazy. Why one when you have two?" That's my guy! LOL

We finally went into the transfer room at 8:00am. The doc has a great sense of humor. He walked in and goes, "I'm here for you guys!" Nice! That damn room was freezing cold. The doctor got everything set up and checked all my insides first. He said everything look great and that my lining was "tremendous." That's a great compliment for transfer day! He and the ultrasound tech got the catheter all set up and then embryology brought our straw of embies in. Just like my IVF transfer, the doctor said everything was perfect and he was very happy with everything. He said he expects this to work, but he doesn't have an Infertility Devil.

I laid in the room for about 30 minutes past transfer. Embryology gave us a picture of our embryos. I told them I have pictures from my IVF, so it would be great to have them this time around too. While chilling in the room Mr. LTM wandered around looking at all kinds of medical stuff. He asked me why there were condoms on the ultrasound machine. So innocent! I told him that I didn't want to laugh my embies out, so he better keep his cool today.

Discharge went well. I can't clean or lift anything over 15 lbs. I'm on bedrest today and light bedrest tomorrow. I took both days off of work. The hard part is trying not to lift B up. We told her that I hurt my back so I can't lift things. She sat in bed with me this evening going, "Mommy, how's your back?" What a sweetie!

So here I am, with two embies on board. As my Bump girls used to say, PUPO! Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. That's a little too positive for me, but that's the term. My blood pregnancy test is on Halloween.

Now, there have been some requests for an ass update! The shots do get easier each day. Timing them 12 hours apart has been a challenge. I did give myself one shot at school last week and I was successful. Other than that, Mr. LTM does them both for me each day, and he is rather good at it. Some days my ass is sore the entire day. It can hurt to sit or to stand. Today it's been fine, but I've been laying on it all day. I did notice today that bruises are starting to show! GAH!! The good news is that I've made progress and I'm not crying anymore. The anticipation is what normally kills me, but now it doesn't bother me. I go back in two days for them to check my progesterone level. Hopefully it's high. I have these amazing dreams that they could reduce me to one shot a day. A girl can dream right?

PUPO! XOXOXOXOXO

Two Embies On Board!

I'm back from my transfer! Ill update all of the details a later, but we did transfer both and they thawed great! I'm nervous, but that's the infertility devil talking.

Ill post the details tonight!

October 17, 2013

More Ass

Shot two was interesting. It had to be on the opposite side.  I really want to do these myself, but I know I cannot get a good 90° angle on the left side. So I had to have my husband do it. The anticipation of waiting for the shot kills me. That's normally when I start to cry. Yep... Again. I rubbed that spot for 10 minutes and sat on the heating pad for 40. And now instead of one sore ass cheek, I have to sore ass cheeks. Here's the kicker… I found out the truly have to be 12 hours apart. So now I have to take shot tomorrow at 8:45 AM.  Are you wondering where I will be at 8:45 AM? I will be teaching a class of third-graders! So I will have to find somebody to cover my classroom so I can go into the bathroom for 10 minutes and shoot myself in the ass. I mean, how time-consuming is this? Two shots a day. Husband and I are supposed to go on a date tomorrow night. Guess I'll have to leave the table so I can go shoot myself in the ass again. 

Yep! I literally feel like a three ring circus. 

October 16, 2013

Yup, I Cried


Damn that damn ass shot! I was sooooo nervous. I got it all prepped. Then I told Mr. Later Than Most that I was going to do it myself. Then I totally chickened out and cried. Ha! Finally, I realized I couldn't insert the needle at the right angle, so I had to have him do it. It was a big one all right!
Progesterone in Oil needle. 22 gauge


Don't you think that's big? It is! So that has to go into the upper quadrant of my butt. The needle has to go ALL THE WAY IN. Yes you read that correctly. It's an inch and a half long. Ouch. There is a little pain afterward. If you have ever received a flu shot, you know the pain you feel in your arm afterward. That's what my ass feels like right now. It's only for 14 weeks and twice a day. No. Big. Deal.

The good news is that my blood results today were fab. My estrogen was 229. My progesterone level was .23 and my lining was 12.3! Yay!

Tomorrow I'll do one ass shot again and then the number goes up to two a day from there on out. I will also start an oral steroid tomorrow to prevent any infections. I'm also on an antibiotic. Today was my last day of Lupron, so let's hope the "tings" go away. 

On Saturday the RE's office will call and give me all of the final details for Monday's big transfer. This is starting to get real!



October 15, 2013

I'm Drinking Tonight

Well, besides the tingles I have always heard that it's not a good idea to drink when you are doing injections for infertility treatments. I mean, if anyone needs to drink it's those of us who have to be reminded daily that a natural conception isn't happening. Especially during my IVF, I really needed a wine buzz every now and then. The thing I've noticed this cycle is that I have a lot of sleepless nights. Now, it's probably the Lupron (which ends tomorrow!!!!), but I've slept many nights on the couch because I'm tossing and turning. I did notice that this seems to be worse right around the time I'm supposed to change my meds. For instance, the night before my Lupron changed from 10u to 5u, I barely slept a wink. It's like I was worried I would forget. Though I took a black permanent marker and wrote it on the box, I was still sleepless.

As mentioned, the ass shots start tomorrow. This is why I'm drinking! I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight! I have a blood and ultrasound appointment at 7am tomorrow. If all checks out well I will start my PIO shots tomorrow night. I don't want to think about that all night tonight, so a little Cab should help.

Speaking of PIO, let me back up a little. Did I mention that one of my good friends is doing an FET at the same time???? Do you remember Amanda? You loved her, right? She was the one who went to a bachelorette party with me and we were two infertiles living a miserable life. Then two preggos showed up and demanded all of everyone's attention at the bachelorette party. Amanda and I tried to hang ourselves with random objects such as cell phone charges. We took pictures to document our agony. Also, while attending her sister in laws wedding, we may have pretended to "spank" the bed of a pregnant friend. Yes it makes no sense, but give us a break! It was fun! Anywho- Amanda is four weeks behind me in the process and we both go to the same RE (because I referred her!). She has a one year old already from her IVF. So tonight we are texting each other back and fourth about our upcoming PIO shots. Imagine her face when she learned from me that we have to do the shots TWICE a day. She was like, "OMG, are you kidding me right now?" Um, no Amanda. According to the directions, that "one and a half inch" needle needs to go all the way into your skin. TWICE A DAY.

Does anyone else feel like I'm unqualified for this process? I mean, I'm just a lonely third grade teacher with three college degrees, all in education. Now I have to be my own nurse? Who am I kidding? I can't reach my own ass. Mr. Later Than Most is doing the ass shots. And in true Mr. LTM fashion, he has read none of the paperwork and the first injection is about 24 hours away. Seriously, what did I see in this guy? I'm totes joking! But anyone who knows me in real life knows that I'm very organized, structured and a total researcher. Waiting till the last minute would literally make me vom.

So I'll answer the question you've been waiting for. . . yes I will write a post after ass shot #1 tomorrow night. Sigh. Anything for you dear reader!

October 14, 2013

Back to Twins

I'm so annoying! I keep talking about a twin pregnancy as if it is a disease. As I told S today, I'm not scared of the twins themselves (especially hers, lol), it's the twin pregnancy that I am fearful of. Why have so many people lost twins? Do they have other issues? Again, I'm sure I've exposed myself to way too many people by being in forums (not anymore), but it seems like so many people have trouble. I seriously know two people who didn't have trouble and like 5 who have. Maybe I need a professional opinion?

I know I'm totally jumping the gun thinking that twins is an option, but it truly is. Transfer two embies and the RE says it's a 20-25% chance of a twin pregnancy with a 70% success rate overall. 

So with those chances you are wondering what Mr. LTM thinks, right? Um, he doesn't. I have to keep him in the dark until the last minute! Lol. He thinks way too much about things, more than me! But, I know he will be on board. After having the numbness from these shots, I don't want to do this again. If this doesn't work, I don't want to go to IVF. I'll have to wait 10 weeks to start that cycle and let's face it, I'll be 36 in March. The eggs used for this transfer are 32 year old eggs. That's quite the difference. Plus, to do IVF again, of course we'd freeze whatever is left over just in case that cycle didn't work. Then, if an IVF cycle did work, we'd have frozen embryos that we'd have to discard or donate. Right now, we don't have to make that decision because we are using all we have. So, this is it.

The infertility devil is not as strong as she was with my first cycle for IVF. She only sneaks upon me once in a while. Almost as if I'm getting too positive. I don't know why my guard is lower this time, but it is. I hope that doesn't bite me in the ass like those PIO shots.

October 13, 2013

Three Days of Nightmares

I actually had a really great dream last night, so don't be distracted by the title. It was one of those dreams that you wake up and you are like, "Damn, I want to go back to my dream!" It wasn't about babies or anything. It was actually a dream that Mr. LTM and I were dating, so about 15 years ago. We were young and having so much fun. Ahhhh, if we only knew that we'd be diving into scientific reproduction about 12 years later.

The title actually refers to my progesterone in oil (PIO) shots starting in three days. I just reminded Mr. LTM tonight that he better brush up on his viewing of the YouTube PIO demonstration video, because I don't want him jabbing me until he is totally train. Oh, now you are enticed by this video too, are you? Fine, I'll post the link. My favorite part is when they remind you to pull back on the needle to make sure you didn't draw blood. If you did, you better start all over and not inject PIO into you vein. Holy shit, the things we go through.

Click here to be happy that you aren't me in three days.


Now before you cringe, I ONLY have to do the PIO shots twice a day for 14 weeks. It could be worse. . . like 16 weeks, right?

On Wednesday I go in for blood an an ultrasound at 7am. They will make sure that my estrogen level is good since I'm taking 6 estradiol a day (no biggie). Hopefully I'll check out fine and then they'll give me the ok to start the ass shots. Actually, they are above the ass but I like the sound of "ass shots." When I go in on Wednesday, the nurse is going to draw two giant circles on my backside so we know where to inject them. I already have a saying to help me remember. Rights side in the morning "Right away" and left side at night "Left later." Did I mention how much I'm dreading this?

If anyone reads this blog and is going to start Lupron at some point, I totally learned something this time round. The Lupron box doesn't have enough needs so the pharmacy will normally include a bag. The extra bag needles are normally ultra-comfort diabetic needles. Yea, they go in so smooth that you don't even feel them! The Lupron ones don't really hurt, but you feel them.

Wonder if I'm still tingly? I am. The good news is that I feel like it's less and less. I'm really hoping this goes away once the Lupron is gone.

Tomorrow I'll talk about twins again.


October 11, 2013

This Sucks

My arm and leg numbness and tingling continue. After too much online research I did find that Lupron can cause this in some people. When I contacted my IVF nurse, she was not at all concerned (post ER) and said she had never heard of the side effect. The ER doctor did say he suspected the Lupron but was not concerned.

Since last night my arm is constantly asleep. It is so annoying. I feel like I can't relax because it feels so weird. I only have 5 days left of this shit, and it's such a low dose. I hate using all of these drugs. It sucks.

Tonight I'm hoping this crap goes away. I worry about it becoming permanent if it is drug related. Again, I'm 5 days from stopping the Lupron. Hope it subsides.

October 8, 2013

Still Tingly

Well it's about Four days since my trip to the emergency room and I still have much of the same symptoms. I've also been to Accupuncture in the chiropractor. They both feel like it's very possible that all of the symptoms I'm having are diet related and possibly even medication related. The good news is that my cycle is still ago and my transfer is still scheduled for October 21!

I need a different note, my little Brooklyn turned 2 1/2 today! Where has the time gone? She is sassy, spunky, smart, and can drive me crazy! Lol One of the best things is that she is sweet as can be. When I take her in at night to put her to bed,  I tell her good night and I love her and her little voice says, "I love you too mommy!" She also called me her bestie today!:)

Thank you reproductive science for allowing me to be a mommy!

October 6, 2013

F'ed Up Friday: Emergency Room

I knew my Friday night was going too well. Mr. LTM is out of town and I was cuddled up with some blankets and a self made marathon of Real Housewives of Miami. Around 8pm my foot fell asleep and wouldn't come too. Then, my arm on the same side was asleep. I knew it was odd. I walked all over, did jumping jacks and just plain acted like a fool. None of which made my arm or leg come to.

I looked at my meds printouts and read that tingling and numbness could be a sign of a blood clot which could be aggravated by the Estrace. I texted MR. LTM a few times to get his opinion. This was both a good and bad idea. For one he started freaking out. He automatically assumed it was the FET drugs and started saying we should cancel our cycle and not press our luck. I told him I probably ate too much ice cream and that he should calm the heck down. After sifting through my FET paperwork, I found the number for the nurse on call.

The answering service did not like the sound of my situation and they put me straight through to the nurse on call. She too was not pleased with what I was experiencing. She said she would need to call my RE, Dr. Miller right away. Ugh! I felt so bad. I imagined him out to a fancy dinner and having to hear my name! Poor guy. She called me back right away. Final decision. . . I needed to go to the ER.

The ER is awesome and all until you are home alone with a toddler and need some coverage. I finally got my brother in law who flew over here in his car while my sister followed in hers. They were both half-asleep and somehow didn't think enough to take one car. My sister decided to drive me to the hospital which is fab, but we live in the infertility closet. No one knows our situation. So now I'm making up doctors and reasons for why I'm on an estrogen pill. I carefully ditched her in the ER and told her I would text her after some tests were ran.

Explaining drugs and and FET to emergency room staff is like explaining ratios to my third graders. There is a basic medical understanding, then it significantly drops. There was a lot of, "Wait, why are you on Lupron?" Then the next staff would come in and say, "Why do you take estrogen?" It's hard to lose your shit at midnight, so I kept explaining to each new person. Finally the doctor came in and did an exam. He ordered a full blood panel to check everything, and then he broke the news to me... He wanted me to get a CAT Scan. Though he knew I was fine, he needed to "cross some Ts and dot some Is." Luckily he offered a valium which I took with no problem.

The CAT scan is everything you think it is, small, loud and very long. I as on the table for 45 minutes total. The valium helped me to relax. The nurse told me I was a great patient (which I loved). The results are then sent to some big-shot over the computer who reads them and calls the doctor. Pretty sweet to get them in 20 minutes. Everything checked out fine and my blood was all normal. CAT Scan looked great.

So here I am three days later and my right leg is still asleep. My right arm joins in every once in a while. After I reviewed my paperwork from the ER, I noticed that two of my blood tests read "abnormal" next to them. I took a picture of the results and texted it to my friend who is a nurse (and a patient of Dr. Miller too!). She said that my potassium and phosphorus were really low. When I Googled my potassium level, many places said it was IV worthy. The more I Googled, I found that low potassium can cause tingling and numbness. And my low, I mean below the normal range.

I'm not surprised that my numbers are low. I don't eat well. Sometimes I don't eat until 7pm. I've been living on coffee. Working full time and being a mom can really take it's toll on you. I grade papers and make photocopies during my lunch. I live on protein bars. None of this is good for a person, or good for a potential baby.

In the meantime I'm trying to adjust my diet and drink more water. I want to see a regular practioner but plan to wait until my cycle is over. I find that regular doctors and fertility doctors don't always see eye to eye. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is diet related and not drug related. I'm supposed to double my dose of Estrace on Tuesday.

Thanks for following.

October 2, 2013

Final Decision

Though I'm 19 days til transfer, I can say with 90% certainty that we will transfer both embryos. :)

Yes, I'm scared shitless of twins. It would not be the end of the world, but we will take the risk. All I want is a healthy pregnancy. If I can get that with two babies, great. One baby, greater. :)

I took my first Estrace pill today. Didn't notice too much besides a little bloated. I'm just wondering how bloated I will get when I take 6 pills a day. I'm only on one pill right now!

You may not know this about me, but I'm really against medicines. I try not to take medications and we rarely give them to Brooklyn. I'm all about immunizations and such, but I firmly believe that each thing you put into your body causes an effect of some sort, good and bad. So each day I'm shooting-up that Lupron and swallowing down my Estrace, I'm always wondering what it's going to do to my body someday. No secret, there is research that this type of stuff can cause ovarian cancer. They make us sign a document that says we are aware of the research before we participate in a treatment. The shitty thing is we have to decide. . . kids or ovarian cancer? You know my answer.

October 1, 2013

First Blood Draw

Well the witch was so confusing. I waited and waited for her to show. Suddenly I realized that maybe the spotting I had was actually her. When I talked to my FET coordinator, she said the hormone levels and ultrasound would show if I in fact had a period or not. If not, frozen transfer would be pushed out.

My appointment was for 7am but you know my office... 13 minutes late. That's a lot of time when you have to rush off to work. Finally the lab tech calls me back for blood. It's apparent she was running late because she had nothing prepared. No big deal, I'll use some deep breathing to calm down. Blood is now done but she tells me to go back to the waiting room because the ultrasound girl is not ready. No problem. I exhale my way back to the crowded waiting room. I start scoping the scene for new friends because after all, this is how I met S almost three years ago. I wait and wait. 

Now Mr. Later Than Most is on his way to the office to wait in the car with Brooklyn. We have to do a trade off so he can get to work And I can drop her off     At the babysitter's place. I make no friends in the waiting room but I'm finally called back by the ultrasound tech. I quickly get undressed and make my way over to the table. The tech is nice, we start chatting, she starts doing her thing.  Suddenly she starting to count and tell me how many follicles I have. I kindly tell her that I don't care how many follicles I have because I'm doing a frozen  transfer. I then explained to her that I believe she needs to check the uterus lining to make sure that it's thin. I consider asking her for a job application, but I'm satisfied when she tells me my lining is 3.6, which I know is good. I hop off the table and go off to get dressed. I cannot believe what a cluster fuck this whole appointment has been. 

Next thing I know I walk out until lobby, and there is Mr. later Than Most with Brooklyn! WTF Are they doing in the lobby? Isn't it taboo to bring a child into an IVF office? All of those people want a child!!! Lucky for me Brooklyn is complaining and being mean. This allows me to explain outbloud to everyone waiting that I'm rather sure all of Dr. Miller's creations are not as mean as this one. The people In the lobby giggle and now I know that they don't hate me for bringing a child into the office. 

Later in the day I check my voicemail. I'm happy to say that all of my results were great! Lining 3.6... Estrogen 6 and progesterone .23.

Tomorrow I will begin the Estrace pills and lower my Lupron to 5 units.

Happy Tuesday!

September 29, 2013

Waiting for the Witch

Well I went off birth control pills on Wednesday and I'm just waiting for the witch to arrive. In a little bit nervous because my cycle needs to start on October 2, and if I don't get my period before then, don't push me off to a different transfer date. I just went back and looked at my old IVF blogs, and realized that it was the fourth day of Lupron last year (after birth control pills) when the which arrived. So if Im matching up days, that would actually be today!

The shot started out being easy at first, but as of today, my stomach is very bruised. I'm glad it's not summertime and I'm trying to sport an amazing bikini, Because this stomach cannot see the light of the sun! So far the Lupron is actually okay, but I'm just hot all the time. Mr. LaterThanMost and Brooklyn are wearing blankets all day while I'm sweating my ass off! Lol 

Okay, let's get this show on the road and bring on the witch!

September 23, 2013

I Think I'm Funny

Is that okay? I feel like my own blog is rather funny. Last night I went back and read a lot of my previous posts And seriously, I was cracking up. Some of those earlier posts really had a sarcastic wit to them! Some still make me laugh and some still make me cry, but nevertheless I'm lucky to have this entire journey documented. 

Okay you want the details from this morning! The Lupron  shot was easy peasy. I did forget how hard it is to inject yourself though, and then move your hand down the needle so you can push the liquid into your own skin. I also forgot my skin stretches when I pull the needle out and it looks like my skin is attached the needle! Vom!

And FET is a lot different different than a IVF cycle. First of all, the guy pretty much does nothing this time around. Mr. LTM did avoid a throat punch though because he Did ask if I did my injection this morning! Hey, at least he remembered! Also I feel like I need a lot more notes this time to make sure I take the right medications on the right days. I put a giant calendar on the refrigerator, wrote each medication on the correct day, and used checkboxes so I can check each med off as I take it. Good thing I love organization!

Tomorrow is Accupuncture session two. I need to post about how I have not learned to relax!

September 22, 2013

227 Shots to Go!

Yes I'm that big of a freak and counted the total amount of shots that I'll be taking. I was being conservative though, I didn't even count the flu shot that I got today!

Tomorrow morning I start my Lupron injection. I had the paperwork all set out tonight so I could review the directions for this type of injection. I do remember that the needle is small and the shot is rather easy, however I remember the injection site would get itchy after a few days! Also, I totally remember telling people that I was " Loopy on Lupron" with my IVF. I think it kept me up at night and I remember a lot of night sweats and being hot. Oh no! I just remembered lots of nights that I slept on the couch! 

There is so much to talk about in the numbers update. Although I'm on my iPad and it's more difficult to type! A our injects class on Thursday we learned that our RE office is now using assisted hatching with all procedures. That is a laser technique where they split the outside layer of the embryo to help it shed and implant. It's  also supposed to increase success rates. Now I'm wondering if we transfer two, should we only use assisted hatching on one? From my reading this procedure is more necessary in frozen transfers because the freezing process actually toughens up the embryo's outer shell. Now that we know the process, we can make even more of an informed decision.

Alright, t minus 8 hours until injection one! Thanks for reading!

September 12, 2013

October 21!!!

That's it! My Frozen Embryo Transfer is all scheduled for October 21. I'm not going to lie, I thought it would be sooner. When the nurse called me yesterday to confirm a calendar, we missed the October 9 transfer date by one day. Guess why? Because they didn't call me back and do my injects consult on Tuesday like she was supposed to! Whatever, two weeks is not that big of a deal.

Next week I go in on the 19th for the injects training. This time I totally know what I'm doing. When I picked up my meds I organized them with the needles without reading the packages. I knew that the tiny needs were for my Lupron and the giant cow needles were for the progesterone in oil. So, she pretty much just needs to go over everything with me and I'm good to go. I'm rather sure that she said I would start my medications on September 24.

On the two or one dilemma. . . right now I'm solidly at two. The timing of this is perfect for my school year (um, six weeks earlier would have been amazing). I won't have to take any unpaid leave if I don't want to, so Mr. LTM and I won't see a reduction in my salary. Not that we are really tight on money here, but you know I like my shopping! I haven't talked to MR. LTM about the number to transfer, I will bomb him with that conversation on October 20 when embryology calls. . . after a few drinks. :) As easy has this has been so far. . . I REALLY don't want to have to go to a fresh cycle. That's why I want to transfer the two. I'll admit, my IVF was easy for me. A little pain here and there but I can do it again. I kinda just don't want to go through the weeks and weeks of appointments. I'm not saying I won't, but I'd rather do this and have it work.

I've thought of my life with a set of twins and it's not good. I'm still leading a life of leisure with one child. Mr. LTM does a ton of child-rearing on his own while I'm out and about having fun with friends or mommy time. I'm not too sure of his patience level with twins, but that's a test for everyone. Playing the numbers game, I'll just be hoping for a healthy pregnancy. If I can get that with one, great!

Saturday I'll be off to my first accupuncture appointment for this round of treatments. I'm excited to go back! The stress release is amazing!

September 9, 2013

WTF Just Happened?

Do you ever have one of those days were one minute you know your day is going one way, and then the next minute your day is off in a completely different direction? That was today.

My HSN was scheduled for 1:45pm. I worked a half day and then ran a few errands. I got to my RE's office at 1:30pm, which I know was stupid because he is ALWAYS late. Today was no exception. I waited until 2:30 to be called back into the office. Now, the normal me would NOT put up with his crap, but I know my doctor is very well sought-after so I try to take it easy on him. The office is freaking nuts.

So they finally come and get me and tell me to disrobe for the HSN. After I'm ready, the ultrasound tech tells me she is going to wait in the hallway and "catch" the doctor as he runs by! She wanted to stop him before he went off and handled another appointment. This made me chuckle. So, he comes in and gets me all examined. He gives me the bill of clean health and says that my uterus looks great. In fact, he literally told me I got the "Uterus of the Day" award. How can you not laugh at that? The nurses giggled. I was glad to not have any issues. So as I'm cleaning up I realize that I need to book my injections consultation. I asked the office manager and she told me to call the IVF nurse. So I leave the building and realize that if I called within the next hour, the IVF nurse would have to call me back before the office closed. Hehehehehe. So I wait.

Meanwhile, I've check my mail and insurance has sent me a letter. They will not approve the procedure until they get the million pages of my fertility file so they can see that I actually need this procedure. Son of a bitch! I only had to take birth control until Thursday, and this is surely going to extend my FET calendar!!! Now I call the insurance company to see if they received any documentation from my RE. After being transferred three times, they inform me that that division of insurance is now closed for the day. WTF? It's 4:00pm Chicago time. Ok, guess I'll call back tomorrow. In the meantime I've now called the RE to leave a voicemail for the insurance girl. I let her know that she needs to forward my file to get my cycle approved. *Sigh*

4:30 rolls around and it's the IVF nurse. She lets me know that my HSN looked great and she wants to order my meds and schedule my consult appointment for injects. Whoo hoo. Oh wait, my cycle hasn't been approved! So I tell this to the IVF nurse who informs me that the insurance girl is on vacation for a week! WTF!!! No worries, the IVF nurse will submit my file. I just have to email her a copy of their request. I verify her email three times (three), and then she says she will try to put my meds through to the hospital pharmacy anyway and we can see if they get approved.

So we hang up and I send her the document of what insurance needs, but of course the email gets returned back to me for the incorrect address. Son of a bitch! I even try Googling the shit out of that email address and I get no results. My cell phone is now ringing and it's the pharmacy. Are you kidding? They are calling already? I give him my insurance info and he informs me that he isn't really sure how to submit my info to two insurance companies since I have two! I KINDLY inform him that he better get his act together, because insurance company number two is the one who pays. He says he will get busy and call me back.

So, I hang up with him (are you stressed yet?) and I begin Googling that incorrect email again. I'm so pissed that its not working. After about five minutes the pharmacy calls me back. Before he can say wether the meds are approved or not, my other line is ringing and it's now the RE's office, which I know is closed for the night. O.M.G. I need a drink. So, I get the pharmacy guy to hold and it's my IVF nurse. She informs me that she is an airhead and she gave me a mixture of her personal email and her work email. I'm so happy to get the real email that I don't really care what she initially gave me. I rush her off the phone and tell her the pharmacy is on the other line. I click back over and the pharmacy can get all of the meds approved but one injectable med which is $189. Um, I ask him for the grand total and he tells me it would be $267 including the one that isn't covered. I tell him to sign me up and I'll pay for that one med that won't be approved yet. All of a sudden he's telling me I can pick the meds up within an hour. WHAT?????

Next thing you know I'm flying over the pharmacy at the hospital. Before I get there I Google my accupuncturist at the first red light I get to. I give him a call and leave a message stating that I'm suddenly finding myself in a very fast-moving frozen embryo cycle and that I need some appointments. Soon as I know it, I'm already at the hospital pharmacy. I give them my credit card and I walk out with a bag of meds, full knowing that I probably paid $100 more than if I would've waited for insurance approval but SCREW that! Before I leave the building I find a secret corner and pull everything out and check it against the receipt. It's all there. Four types of pills, two types of injections and literally about 100 needles. Needles so big that I think they are for a vet to give to a cow. The good news is that it's all there. Before I reach my car, the accupuncturist is on the phone and he is excited to help me with pregnancy number two. He has now squeezed me in for an appointment this Saturday.

So, as it all turns out, I should be starting my meds in about three days and I'm just blown away by how fast this all went down today. I thought I was just getting an HSN today, and the next thing I knew I'm only three days away from finishing my three weeks of required birth control and starting my injectables.

Oh God, I hope this all works.

September 5, 2013

Rescheduled

I'm starting to wonder if I feel like I'm just the know-it-all this time, or if my RE's office is driving me insane.

So three days after they cancelled my procedure, I called to get it rescheduled. I couldn't talk to the scheduler because she was working with IVF patients all morning. Totally get it, that's fine. I asked to be transferred to her voice mail so I could tell her to go ahead and schedule my procedure, and I will work around the time that she picks. Well, she didn't get back to me for two days. Ok, fine. So I take a half day from work and now I'm all set to get the HSN on Monday, September 9. Well, I only needed to be on the pill for three weeks and next week is three weeks. They won't order my meds though until I pass the HSN. Um okay. How many people literally don't pass the HSN? Like 5%? Now I have to schedule another day off of work. They won't even let me schedule my injects training class until I pass the HSN. I kindly asked if I could just book the appointment so I could plan my day off from teaching accordingly, but big. fat. no.

Now, there could be a couple of things going on here. #1. When I did IVF I was off of school the whole summer, so perhaps I dealt with this bull a little better. Or, #2, FET patients get the shaft while IVF patients get all the appointments. I mean, my IVF was about $22,000 and the bill for the FET is only $5,000. Or, #3, I'm just really annoying and being too pushy. I dunno, just seems they aren't very flexible.

Anyway- so I'll go Monday for my HSN. Then I'll call on Tuesday and have them schedule the injects class for me. That's normally the same day that they call and order the meds from the specialty pharmacy. Then I'll call billing on Tuesday and make sure that they have approval from insurance to move on with the procedure. GAH!

So the ever waiting question remains. . . transfer two or one? I cannot decide.

August 27, 2013

FFS and Holy Shit

FFS- For Fuck's Sake


Again dear reader, I know you have not pegged me as a teacher of little children, but I promise you that the "teacher me" is much more professional  than the "infertility" me.

For Fuck's sake- My RE's office called today and cancelled my next item on my list before I can do my FET. Apparently the scheduler "forgot" it was a holiday weekend and they cannot do my HSN (water procedure) because there is no ultrasound tech to read the results on duty. Mother of crap. The more we push this out, the more screwed up this gets! I wanted a June baby for school reasons and now I'm possibly in the July baby area. I know, I know, "normal people don't get to choose their due dates" (insert 'know it all voice'). Yea, well I'm not normal in any way, shape or form. And as I've stated before, I feel that us IF girls can at least pick our own due date since we've literally been screwed in so many other ways.

Now, holy shit. (OK, I'm not very religious so I hope that isn't offensive). . . Holy shit. . . . taking 13 vitamins a day is kicking my ass. I'm so very good at following directions and taking pills but man, I'm really cramming them down. I'm also carrying around one of those days of the week pill holders, which is making me luck much older than 35.

Speaking of 35, is is just me or am I literally getting older by the minute as I'm waiting for the HSN to be scheduled? I better call those bitches and reschedule tomorrow!!! ;)

FFS!

August 23, 2013

FET Day 1. . Whoot Whoot!

Don't take that title the wrong way! Baby BiPolar Disorder is for sure in effect.

So, today I started on my birth control pills to suppress the system. In one week I will go in for my HSN (which is all scheduled).

Today's update on number to transfer. . . . No update. the Baby BiPolar Disorder is taking over. Now I have a complete FEAR of twins as Miss B was driving me nuts today! LOL I mean, she's two and sooooo hard-headed (like mommy and daddy). I think she made it her mission to argue with me all day and she's only two. So, add two more kids to that mix and I'd be three sheets to the wind right now. So today's decision. . . transfer one. This can change by the hour.

Ok so holy crap. . . I went to my doctor's office the other day for blookwork (just 5 viles, no big deal) and he had a list posted of "required supplements." Yes, required. $75 later, and I'm taking like 13 pills a day. Mind you, I'm very, very good with taking pills, but these bad-boys are taking me all day to get down.

Here's the details:

Pregnitude: A supplment for egg quality. Now, my quality does not matter for a frozen transfer, but it was on his list. I bought mine on Walgreens online. $35 You take it twice a day.

Calcium: 1200 mg a day. I also bought at Walgreens.

D3: Sometimes comes with the calcium, but he specifically wanted us on about 400mg and the D3 that comes with Calcium is normally more than that. Also bought at Walgreens.

CoQ10: Bought on Amazon.  600 mg

Prescription Prenatal plus DHA

Then I'm on the following for my own protocol from the doctor:

*Ortho Novum birth control
*81 mg of aspirin
* Two doses of antibiotics per day (internal infection)

As you can see, I'm drinking pill down all day long!

August 20, 2013

THIS IS IT!!!!!

This is it folks! Tomorrow officially starts my frozen embryo cycle! Tomorrow I will call the doctor's office to begin my birth control pills (weird huh?) and schedule my HSN water test. Three weeks of the pill, three weeks of estrogen, then the big transfer and those damn ass shots!!!!

On a great note, all my bloodwork and hormone levels came back today and all of them were totally normal.

This is happening, holy crap!

XOXO

August 18, 2013

The FET Train is Arriving

Ok, life has been a little boring the past week. This week should pick up the pace though. Yesterday I got a list of things that need to be done before my FET. The list was MUCH longer than I anticipated! Gulp.

*Pap test, pelvic exam and breast exam (check!)

*Prolactin testing

*Blood testing for T4 and TSH (no clue but we'll leave it to the professionals)

*3 Day HSN (water shooting into your tubes to make sure all is good. Kinda like an HSG)

*Nurse consultation for meds

* Infectious disease testing


Um, okay! Cycle day one should be here this week and I need to get all of this done in the next two weeks.

The question still looms. . . transfer one or two embryos? I do have two friends who are pushing me to transfer two due to the odds game. Now, after 6 years of marriage I know how to bring things up to MR. LTM. We discuss last minute. The more time he has, the more he over thinks things!

On Friday night we came close to buying a new house! We just started looking and found something that was amazing. It looked like there would be a bidding war for it, so we decided to move on and keep looking. We certainly can't put twins in this small house!

I know, I shouldn't joke ;)


August 8, 2013

BBPD #2

A long, long time ago I talked about Baby BiPolar Disorder. It's not a real medical term, but Heather and I made it up. If you go back to my 2010 posts, there should be one called "The Baby BiPolar Way of Thinking." There I give a very detailed account of what it means. In short, it's when you have two different views of kids. One day you want them and the next day you don't. For infertiles it coincides with ovulation days and negative pregnancy tests. I had it bad and so did many others.

Now I have BBPD #2. This is the same thing as Baby BiPolar Disorder but applies only to the situation in which you are trying for child #2. Now, this is one is a little different and I don't think it hits as hard. BBPD #2 starts when you and your husband decide, "Yes! We want another baby!" The next day you visit the local Target and see a mom of two. She kinda looks like she's been hit by a Mack truck. She's got a baby carrier in the top seat and a toddler eating an open box of cereal in the basket of the cart. Said mom is pulling her groceries in a wagon because her cart now has no room for products. This is where BBPD #2 kicks in. "Do I really need another child?" Every couple goes through this. Now, the infertiles go through this a little differently. We feel that we have to get down on our knees and bow to the world. We have to first say how thankful we are for baby number one. We feel like we OWE the world everything. Some of us feel guilty when we accept the fact that we may want another child. It's almost like we are telling everyone that we are not happy enough with one child, we now selfishly want another one. Pretty screwed, isn't it? Totally sucks. Then add in the element of waking up each day and telling yourself, "I can be happy with one child if I have to. I'm lucky enough to have one child." Lucky enough? Pretty sad, huh?

Anywho- that's BBPD #2. It doesn't haunt me everyday, but I'm sure it will once I start those drugs in two weeks. I'm sure it's a branch of the IF Devil.


August 6, 2013

The Twin Conversation

Yesterday I was really tight on time when I was writing my blog. I didn't really get all of my ideas out so I thought I'd come back and finish.

As you can imagine, this dilemma of transferring one or two is quite the dilemma. Though we imagine ourselves as a family of four, we would certainly welcome an extra addition of that was what is in store for us. The thing is, those of us girls who have spent a lot of time on infertility forums really know how risky a twin pregnancy can be. We have watched too many of our internet friends experience rough twin pregnancies, some of which don't end the way they should. This is actually what frightens me. I'm not sure if this is at common as it seems, or it just seems more common because I've exposed myself to more people by being online. Either way, I'm frightened of that.

Because I'm such a researcher (another flaw), I was Googling "twins and FET" last night. I did find that most other countries really encourage their IVF/FET patients to transfer only embryo. Europe especially is making patients more aware of the risk of carrying multiples. I know, I know, I think too much. Either way, at least my decision will be very informed!

On the cycle front, I talked with the billing department at my RE's office today. I need to keep them on track and make sure they get every procedure is preauthorized so it is covered as it should be. Speaking of, I cannot be any more thankful for the insurance coverage that we have. I know there are many, many couples who have no coverage. Wait, for a minute you thought that my coverage for infertility was because I am a teacher, right? Big. Fat. No. In fact, they won't even cover any blood work. Nice huh? Luckily Mr. LTM's job covers everything for us. We are indeed very, very lucky.

Ok Miss B is running all over, but I still need to post on BBP#2 (Baby BiPolar #2).

August 5, 2013

And the Journey Begins. . . Again!

Well, I'm back from my RE consultation and this is going to move quickly! We are in the process of getting all tests and labs done to complete a Frozen Embryo Transfer in September or the beginning of October. If all goes well (we'll take your positive thoughts!) will will be a family of 4 (um, or 5) in less than a year!

Here is the deal. . . we have two frozen embryos. Both of good grades but one a little better than the other. If they both make the thaw, we can transfer one and have a 30% chance of success (higher than a  standard cycle for folks not using infertility treatments). Now, if we transfer both of those, our chance of success is 70% with a 20-25% chance for twins. SHIT.

Mr. LTM and I both know we don't want twins. Nothing against twins, love them dearly and just adore them. But we kinda see our future as a family of four, not five. Hear me? Now, because of those great success chances, transferring two is not off of the table. We may be looking at a game day decision. In other words, see how our embryos thaw and decide from there!

Until then, I have an appointment for a pap next week. Then I will be put on birth control pills at the start of my next cycle. I will get an HSN (like an HSG but with water) and then have some cervical cells tested. If all goes well, my cycle will start around 6 weeks after my next period starts, which is in about 19 days. E to the EEEEEK.

Drugs are involved here. Looks like some Lupron (which made me bat shit crazy during IVF) and then weeks of progesterone in oil. Son of a bitch!!!!! I didn't have to do PIO with my IVF, but apparently it's necessary for FETs at my office. So, I'll be sticking the longest needle EVER in my ass for like 12 or more weeks. It's ok, all worth it! Now, do I fatten my ass to make the PIO less painful or is a skinnier ass better?

So, you'll be joining me the next few weeks as the infertility devil visits, as Mr. Later Than Most and I decide on transferring one or two, and you'll listen to me complain (with a smile) about the ass shots.

Looking forward to the journey!

XOXOXO

August 2, 2013

T-Minus 3 Days

The infertility train is almost here. Three more days until our consultation for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have a feeling this is all going to move very fast, and I'm prepared!

I tried to come up with a list of questions for our RE, but I couldn't really come up with too many. I do know that our two frozen embryos are frozen together so they would be thawed together. I know we will only want to transfer one, so I'm wondering if that other one will be worth refreezing. I need to ask about that. Other than that, I'm just curious how fast this can all happen. Why the rush? The sooner this happens, the closer a potential birth could be to the end of the school year! That means no time off from teaching, but the entire summer with a new bundle of joy. My IF Devil tells me that this is a lot of planning and hoping for something that may not happen. Why is she always haunting me? I've participated enough in her negativity, this time I'm trying to be positive. Well, trying.

Do you remember my early pregnancy days with Miss B and how I wanted a Paris themed nursery? Then all of a sudden it turned rodeo? Well, I'm changing Miss B's room to a "big girl" room (toddler bed) and I plan to incorporate some Paris in there!

We are also in the process of putting our house on the market. With or without an expanding family, this 960 sq. feet is slowly killing us. So needless to say, this is a busy time!

Did I forget to mention my RE appointment in only three more days?

July 19, 2013

Progress!

Tomorrow is a big day! I'm going to a baby shower and I just realized that I'm not bitter at all! WOW! I've really come a long way!

Going back through old posts you may have noticed my favorite baby shower game. Yea, it's the one where you get the invite in the mail and time yourself. "Let's see how long it takes me to open this invite, go online, purchase a gift and have it sent." Eight minutes is my record for anyone who remembers. Yes, baby showers SUCK THE BIG ONE for those who are infertile. Tiny cute little things. So much belly rubbing. So much, "ZOMG, I can't wait to have a babeeeeeee." "Totes yea me too, I got preggers in like three secs with my first." Seriously. Shoot me now.

I don't know. Am I not even an Infertility Jerk anymore? Is the devil gone? I feel great about this shower tomorrow. The only negative thing is I don't know which pants to wear. Other than that, I feel like a million bucks. Part of me thinks it's because I have that appointment at the RE on August 5. Another part of me thinks that the pain is much less worse when you already have one child to be greatful for. Either way, it's a mind screw. All I know is I feel like a million bucks. BRING ON THE ONESIES!

July 11, 2013

Ok, You are All Still Reading

You people are still reading my blog! I go to check the stats once in a while and my blog had 35 hits just yesterday. That is a shit-ton of pressure people. But you are lucky, I do have some crap to say.

Well first, let me just say that I've been going back through my blog and reading some of the posts. Holy crap, I'm rather funny. I mean, I even had myself laughing and my own writing. That's when you know you are either an idiot or your own biggest fan. I'm going to go with an idiot.

So here is what happened today. I'm innocently driving to a friends house with Miss B in the back seat. She is WAYYYYYY into music. It's scary. She knows the lyrics to an entire Taylor Swift song. So after her solo about a girl meeting a boy at the alter and running away, Katy Perry's "Firework" came on. I may or may not have mentioned this is previous posts, but that song reminds me of my pregnancy. I always felt that the baby was a "firework" and was going to show us all what it was "worth." Anyway, then Miss B learned to sing the "Ahhh. Ahhh. Ahhh." part and it was just very timely. So today the song comes on and Miss B is just drinking in her sippy. All of the sudden I get all teary-eyed. All of those damn emotions of infertility came storming back to me. That song made me remember the pregnancy that I actually never though I would get. It's so WEIRD. You know how you smell a perfume or certain candle and it reminds you of a specific event, well this song does that for me. It's so weird. Then I started realizing that those feelings just don't go away. I think I've always known this and my other IF friends say the same thing, but it really is true. Horrible experiences just stick with you. I guess we all knew that the hostility was still there when I wrote that recent post called, "Infertility Jerks." Oh yes, if you missed that one, you really missed out. The other good post of attitude is called something like, "Don't be an A-hole."