I finally won! I have beaten my Infertility Devil. I have kicked her ass big-time. She has haunted me for years and years. She took away my pregnancy happiness with Brooklyn. She forever haunts me with negative thoughts and makes me pessimistic, but last night, I finally won.
It was almost like an epiphany. It's a little embarrassing actually. Last night Mr. Later Than Most and I were having a conversation turned argument. Nothing big at all, just the normal bickerings of two people who have worked a stressful day and now have something to deal with at home. During our "discussion" we raised our voices a bit. Not common for us, but it happened. A little while later B started crying about something and mentioned us raising our voices and was it because of her. Holy shit. Talking about taking your breath away. I felt about as shitty as you can feel as a parent. We were discussing something not important at all and somehow, she related it to her and was worried that it was because of her. I've never felt worse in my life.
So last night I sat thinking how amazing she is. How amazingly smart, kind, and energetic she is. We are so extremely blessed to have her. I remember those awful days where I had to wonder if my wish of being a mommy would ever come true. And there she was. At that moment I decided that I can not control everything. I can't sit around worrying if my ultrasound is too early. I will not obsess about the numbers they give me tomorrow from my HCG. I will not waste my time Googling any info they give me at the RE's office to see if it is good news or bad news. I will not do those things because I am happy and the infertility devil will no longer take away my positive thoughts.
I'm happy to say that after 5 years of knowing that bitch, she's out of here.
Heather will be so proud.