July 22, 2010

Throat-Punch for Mr. Later Than Most

Someday I'll give a whole post shout-out to Mr. Later Than Most (did I ever mention he doesn't know about my blog?). He's truly been a trooper through my two years of baby crazy. Actually, I did take two months off from the craziness. I locked all of my baby, pregnancy, infertility, prenatals, (an anything else you can think of) up in storage. Not too long after, I went stomping to storage to get it all back. So really, Mr. Later Than Most does deserve a praising shout-out, but today he needs a throat-punch (hehehehe, the girls use this saying on TheBump and I love it). Here's the story:

This weekend I have a girls' night at a friend's house. I can't ditch it. It's only a few girls and it was kind of my idea (like two months ago). Anyway- I'm obviously not going to be drinking, so I'll have some explaining to do. On Sunday I'll be with the same girlfriend selling some of her stuff at a local flea market. Well, I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10lbs, so I figure I could use an explanation for that too (I hate lying to people, but this hurts no one but me). Well, this morning I told Mr. Later Than Most my great idea! I can tell my girlfriend that I hurt my back and I'm taking a pain killer. This will explain my nondrinking and my nonlifting. Right after I tell him the idea he says, "You know, if this whole thing works, we are not going to tell people that we did IVF. We're just going to say we did it on our own." Um, what? I say, "I don't really agree with that." He says that he doesn't want people to know what we went through, and that we couldn't have a baby on our own. In fact, he doesn't even want family to know. I seriously almost fell over. I was shocked. Oh wait, then he had this line: "We'll just tell people that we went off the pill and it happened." Now, any girls reading this who have struggled with IF know how much that last statement hurts. I hate hearing people say that and then to lie about it? No e'ffing way. Okay, now I didn't tell Mr. Later Than Most the "No e'ffing way" for several reasons. First, I'm not supposed to undergo too much stress right now. So, why argue now about something that doesn't exist? Two, I'm sure Mr. Later Than Most feels like he is the "reason" for our struggles since the doctors couldn't pin-point any concerns with me. So, he probably doesn't want everyone to know this. I can understand his thinking, but I think women feel differently. We want people to be informed and not hide our situations. Again, I let this go for now. I'm a little frustrated because I want people to know that IVF is not just for Octomom's benefit. "Normal" people go through IVF. There is nothing wrong with it. I want people to know that.

Now I'll play devil's advocate. I've played these situations over and over again in my mind. What if a family member is against IVF and wants to make that known to us? I don't think I could ever forgive that person for lessening our troubles with their shitty opinion. Or, what if we have twins and friends say our twins "don't count" because we used fertility drugs? I would hit someone for that and probably never talk to them again. Or what if someone says, "Well, you just needed to relax or adopt. Then you would have gotten pregnant." People say this shit ALL OF THE TIME! In fact, TheBump newsletter writers asked girls on their Infertility board and Trouble Trying to Conceive board (the one I'm on). . . "What are some of the things people have said to you when they found out you were having trouble conceiving?" I just wanted to drop dead when I read that article. To seriously think that some girl had to hear a comment like, "You are trying too hard" or "Just fill out adoption papers, then you'll get pregnant." People say stuff because they don't know any better and they are informed. But, are we really ready to take that risk for people's ignorance? On one hand I can't put myself through that. We've been through enough. On the other hand, I want people to know that IVF and infertility are normal and happen to regular people all of the time. It's though!

Well, I know I have many girls read this blog who have been in my shoes or understand the situation. So, I'm going to put up a poll just to see what you all think of this madness. Even if you are grown and your kids have kids, vote anyway. In the long run, I'm going to do what Mr. Later Than Most wants. I hope he comes around, but if not, I have to understand how he feels. We both need to be on the same page, and if I didn't want people to know about our struggles, I'd want Mr. Later Than Most to respect that.


Lauren said...

Coming from someone who just "bit the bullet" and told most of our family about our upcoming treatment...I could NOT handle people not knowing! Although I can some what see where he's coming from, I think it's this "right off the BCP...no problem!" mentality that has such a dark cloud over IF. I'd hope that if more people were comfortable talking about it...that it wouldn't be so "taboo"... we don't have the plague! haha Good luck!

eber12 said...

This is a tough one. First, I think it might be better to just take one step at a time and not worry about this right now. Next, I think you are right. You need to be on the same page. My guess is that MLTM does feel responsible for fertility issues and feels badly about it. He may look at it as if he has some flaw. You have mentioned all the inappropriate remarks a lot of friends and family members make. MLTM may fear the brutal razzing he may take from male friends. Men can be pretty rough in their teasing and name calling in the name of fun. Unfortunately, men don't have the support females get from girlfriends so they don't have an outlet for the hurtful feelings evoked from the remarks and razzing. We are all better at handing it out than taking it.

I would think your families and friends would understand, but you know them better than I. consider the fact that once you tell one person a secret that confidentiality seems to spread like wildfire. Kind of a fact of life. Would telling family and maybe stopping there be a compromise? I don't think anyone who hasn't been through what you are dealing with truly understands where you come from. So I can surely see how you need an outlet for all you have been through. Your experiences have already helped others so I understand why you would want to share them. If it turns out MLTM is dead set on silence, you have already gotten the word out to others through your blog. I know this is very difficult so good luck in making the best decision for you and MLTM. By the way, your back excuse sounds pretty good to me. Just be careful you don't do any acrobatic moves that would give you away. Also, water in a beer bottle or discreetly feeding the plants may be helpful with friends for the present. Just be careful because there is always at least one hawk eye keeping watch at all times. I don't know if any of this really helps, but I am confident you will make the best possible decision for both you and MLTM in the end. Take care of yourself and good luck.

BBColt78 said...

Thanks Ladies! Eber, I know that took you a long time to type! I really appreciate it. I loved the suggestion of a compromise with family. Then, I know families would tell their friends and then I can get the word out that way. :) Compromise is key. I'm hoping MLTM comes around eventually. I think he will!

Christina said...

hey melissa..so my initial thoughts are that you need to do what's comfortable. I think that if dh is worried about telling b/c it's "his" issue, then it might be somewhat of a comfort in him knowing that nobody ever asked me specific details as to why. At the least you could label yourselves as "unexplained" if and then nobody feels like they have to "take the blame" so to say.. Humm..still thibking on this..chat later!