January 1, 2011

A New Year and Some Flashbacks

( This is really long and the darned spell-check is missing again. Please don't hold the errors against me. I promise I'm truly an educated teacher of little children.)

Like most of you, I can't believe that it's 2011. It seems that 2010 was really a blur. Over the past few days I've sat down and gone through all of my previous posts on Blogger. Even though I lived through this whole TTC experience and wrote about it, I'm still in denial that Mr. Later Than Most and I had to resort to IVF to finally, finally conceive our first child. I remember those early days (before this blog was around) and some of those days were difficult to get through. As many girls on here know, IF puts a huge strain on your relationship, especially in the beginning. I think it's fear that does that. Both of us would question: What if it's me? What if this will never happen for us?. In an effort to protect yourselves, we both (at seperate times) wondered if we even really wanted kids. Again, this is a major defense mechanism. It's a good one too, because you can almost talk yourself out of your depression and desperation.

During that rough time, a friend told me to just keep going. Make appointments and do what I needed to do. She was sure that we would figure things out and get our TTC life on the right track. Luckily, she was right!

Last January was rough. I remember thinking, "Yea, another year without a baby. Another year of everyone making progress but us." I have that personality where if I don't get what I want, I just keep thinking and thinking about it. I don't mean material things, I mean things like this. Things for life. I think our biggest hope came when Mr. Later Than Most's company got bought-out by a larger company. Actually, it was rather scary! We wondered if he would lose his job and all of that other fun stuff that comes with take-overs. Although, when I looked at the benefits package, I started to feel a better. This new company had complete insurance coverage for infertility. It was a new gleam of hope at the right time. Before this information, there was NO WAY I could get Mr. Later Than Most on board with a $20,000 procedure that may not work. Could it have happened? Maybe. But I can say with 99% confidence, that was not in the cards for us (damn student loans).

March came with the insurance change. I called my OB right away and asked for a referral to the reproductive endocrinologist that one of the nurses talked so highly about. On my internet escapades on The Bump, I noticed girls had gone to this RE and had success. With the insurance change, Mr. Later Than Most warmed up to the idea of going to see a specialist. Not that he didn't want to, but as you can imagine, it's just a lot to swallow. A "How did we get here?" issue. I remember walking INTO the RE office for our consultation visit and Mr. Later Than Most started asking me a million infertility questions. What would the guy say? How long will this take? When will we have a plan? What is the exact anatomy in women anyway? LOL You gotta love him. I know him though, he can't focus on an event until the event is actually here.

Waiting in the lobby I specifically remember telling myself, "DO NOT CRY. DO NOT CRY." I knew Mr. Later Than Most would wonder if I truly lost my marbles (I think I did anyway). So, in we went to Dr. Miller. This guy was as charming as can be. My inner instinct kept telling me that any doctor who can get $20,000 for a procedure is probably going to charm you, but he was different. Right away he spoke like a normal person and was down to Earth. I remember his first ideas: "Look kids, you've got some issues stopping you from having kids. I'm not saying it will never happen naturally, but you've waited two years. I can give you a 4% chance of conceiving with Clomid and IUI and a 10% chance with injectable drugs and IUI. It's no secret, I make my money off of IVF, okay? But, IVF is our last resort, and I think we should go with the IUI with injectables. For IVF, I give you a 60% success rate." He seriously spewed that info out in about 60 seconds. I think he had Mr. Later Than Most when he said, "You two are going to have one nice looking baby." I'm sure it's a selling technique, but it sure worked! LOL I remember leaving and Mr. Later Than Most said, "I really like that guy! I'm excited that he's helping us." Well, from there the rest is history.

I think the one thing that you can't read in my early blog is that IVF was not on the agenda for us. Dr. Miller suggested the IUI with injectables, even though it was a low success rater for our diagnosis. The issue was that insurance gave a big "hell no" to IUI with injects. They said start at the bottom with Clomid, or skip the procedure all together. I know I was scared out of my mind to go straight to IVF, but I was a little relieved. I've been to a casino, and I know that 10% odds are not as good as 60%. I was ready for the big time.

You know, it's much easier to write this with a little baby kicking me in the ute! 13 weeks left to go.

To bring this full circle, we recently found out there is an unplanned pregnancy in our family. I totally freaked out. How can this happen? Why do people who do not try to get babies, actually get babies? Why are do some people have to pay thousands of dollars to get what you think it actually your natural right? I know I sound crazy, but it seems these are normal thoughts for someone who went through infertility. It makes you feel like shit to think like that. Here I am with everything I wanted and it worked on the first time. How friggen lucky am I? But then I sat there having a tantrum because people have babies when they aren't ready. Luckily, Mr. Later Than Most didn't run out of the house ready to commit me to the mental institution. I told him I felt totally guilty for my feelings, but this was just what infertility can do to someone. During our conversation, we looked back at all we went through, and honestly, we wouldn't have it any other way. We know without a doubt that we are ready for this new chapter. Yes, it was a shitty experience full of emotions and questions, but it was worth every minute and we'd do it again.

Cheers to 2011!

New Year\'s

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